On growing up and love

Whilst ending that post, I really want to get into another topic but I didn’t want it to put it all in a post. It’s too wordy.

Growing up means, the expectations of what you want in a partner changes. Instead of just pure attraction, you start to find someone you can live with. Someone who can take care of you, build a family. It’s more of like, finding someone to get through the phases of life with. You want to find someone with money, a stable income so you won’t have to worry about having no money in the future. It gets more and more conditional as we get older. Blind dates are selected based on physical attributes from the face, to the job. Arranged marriages as well. You need to be of a certain calibre before you can get introduced.

I’ve been thinking about it since secondary school. I thought how sad it would be if I found someone based on how he can take care of me instead of really falling in love with that person. I liked secondary school. It was based simply on attraction, everything else that comes with is a bonus.

The face matters because it affects the face of your child. The money matters because you don’t want to struggle in the future. The status matters because you want a good reputation.

It’s all about you, not just about love anymore. It’s about how you are going to survive. You don’t look with your heart but with your eyes.

I understand that reality smacks us in the face every now and then and causes pure love to run out but I still seek for the innocence of it.

But I found it in you. We could both be blindfolded, knowing nothing but our voices, and I’d still fall for the way you make me laugh, how hard it is for you to express yourself and the weird way you eat your food. Nothing else matters other than what I feel for you.

So even after the blindfolds come off, I’d love you all the same.

Life

I’ve settled down to a life of wanting to die after 10pm and it gets easier and easier, surprisingly. How easy it is to fall into a routine and it’s actually a comfortable one. The old me who had plenty of time to sleep and take naps during the day, felt taken aback every time she meets her friend at about 7 and they wanted to leave at 9 plus. I was like, “Just two hours?! Really?”

Now I get it.

The body wakes up really early now. I’m usually contented with 2 meals because if you wake up around 9 or 10, brunch will suffice. Now I need breakfast, lunch and dinner. Not sure about supper but I know I need all three meals now. If I skip breakfast, I’ll feel extremely famished when lunch time comes around. Lunch time actually feels like a mood booster now instead of just a meal. However, my tummy isn’t accustomed to breakfast yet. I remember having a cup of milo at about 8am and my stomach felt queasy. It cannot be that I’m allergic to dairy (although now thinking about it, I haven’t been drinking milk. The dairy I regularly take are all ice cream and cheeses. Mostly ice cream) so it’s probably just the whole waking up  and eating too early.

I don’t dread a day like that anymore. I used to keep pushing away the time to get into a full time job routine; pushing away growing up. Life forces you to grow up whether you want it or not. I can’t keep living like I’m 18 all the time.

So here is to most of my friends who have already fell into this routine, fallen, have yet to enter this cycle, I wish you all the best.

Trust me

To you,

Trust me,
I will love you like no other

Trust me,
I won’t let you fall

Trust me,
I’ll get you believe again

Trust me,
I don’t think I do better when it comes to you

Trust me,
your heart is safe in my hands

Trust me,
I’ll walk through it all with you

Trust me,
I won’t leave you

Trust me,
we can do this together

Falling for you

“Falling for him wasn’t like a fairy tale. It wasn’t meeting him for the first time and knowing that he is the one for me. Falling for him was like trying to play a song. It was like learning a new note everyday and slowly learning how to play the whole song.”

 

Whirlwind

Did she miss him?

She wanted to lose herself in him. To tie his arms around her like a tourniquet.

If she showed him how much she needed him, he’d run away.

— Eleanor and Park

I spent the past week being a needy little bitch. Never thought I could let myself fall completely in love and I’m sure I can never save myself from this.

It’s so liberating, though. I live for the days I feel emotions so strong I get my head wrapped up in it. I live for the days to say “I’m not okay.” or “I feel amazing.” instead of the usual, “I’m okay.” Days of consistency and being content is out the window now. I’d be sad for ten days if it means I’d get to be happy for one.

I live for the emotions that come along with loving you.

Because they (you) make me feel alive.

Thank you for always waiting for me to reach the lift before you drive off. Such a tiny action on your part and it became my favorite way to end the day.

Our day.

I have so much I want to say

So much going through my life right now and I’ve never been happier.

“I mean, I don’t know,” she says. “I just sometimes hoped that I could have something more than fine. Someone who made me feel like I hung the moon. But I sort of stopped believing that existed, I think. And I figured, why not marry a guy like Mark? He’s a nice guy.” — Gabby (Maybe in Another Life)

I think it’s one thing to find someone who makes you feel like you hung the moon, it’s another to find someone whom you think, hung the moon and placed every single star in the sky.

When all you want to do is give and give and give and it’ll be okay if nothing is returned because that person’s happiness is above your own. It’s so unconditional and very much what I have been wanting and wished for for a long time.

I’ve always been plagued with this question since primary school. Yes, since then. I get asked or I ask it around.

“Is it better to have someone you love but he doesn’t love you back or having someone who loves you but you don’t love him.”

Yes, it’s pretty extreme and there are definitely conflicting explanations; I’ve heard plenty. I’ve always wanted the former but I think it’s kind of sad too if the person doesn’t love you back. So being selfish people, eventually growing up and experiencing shit, you’d pick someone who loves you more. So protected and safe, who cares if sparks didn’t fly. He loves you, he places you on a pedestal, that’s enough right? As long as your heart is guarded.

No. It isn’t enough. You’ll stay up all night thinking if this is right. Thinking if you could have something more but at the same time you tell yourself to be contented with what you have because who are you to be so self centered. Thinking that it’s okay. Maybe in another life because the life you are leading now is okay. Not the best but it’s fine.

So things happened and I was left at a place where I could think for myself again.

Then, I found you.

I found the feelings I wanted to experience at full blast for a really long time. It isn’t even emphasized because it’s there. It’s just there in full scale and it’s the best. To really open up your entire heart, to not care about guarding yourself, to just love someone unconditionally despite how unexpected it is.

The universe treated me well. I’m a very lucky person. Not because I found you but it moulded me to the person I am and that brought me, you.