“I’m afraid we’ll be one of the ones who miss each other their entire life.”
I’m starting to remember how to be alone. Everyday I give a few words lesser. It’ll be a word soon. Then, it’ll be nothing.
My grip is loosening. I can’t hold on much longer and I don’t want to anymore. The heart needs a rest. If it’s a dark abyss I’ll fall into, at least my hands aren’t tired anymore.
So torn between these two products.
Sorry for the low quality pictures. It’s taking with the 6s + fluorescent lighting
I love them so much though. I used to put Sunday Riley every night but because my face doesn’t give me a lot of trouble, I felt that I kept putting it on for nothing. It’s like, using a white crayon on white paper.
I finally got Belief’s highly acclaimed Aqua Bomb (SGD40)! Victoria kept pushing it every since she got it, haha. I managed to get it cheaper than usual at the airport and I love it! It’s effect is instant, just like Sunday Riley. I use this just to moisturize my face. I used to think that because I have oily skin, I shouldn’t moisturize and I didn’t. However, I started to think that maybe my volcanic clay series is drying out my face so that’s why it produces more oil? Anyway, I sleep with aircon too and it’s super drying. With the aqua bomb, I wake up with a hydrated face!
I use one or the other at night and because of Sunday’s hefty price tag (CAD130), I decided that I am only going to use it when my face is more troubled than usual. So yes, my two loves.
I have a list of things I have to do:
I want to give another shout out to my Sunday Riley Luna night oil. My face got so bad from 14 hours of make up for about 7 straight days in Hong Kong. I was so lazy with skincare over there because all I wanted to do was remove it and sleep. The next morning was fine because I can cover everything with makeup. I dropped 7-8 drops of Luna on the night I touched down instead of the usual 4-5. I needed the extra drops. 90% of the horribleness cleared and went back to how it was before Hong Kong. Not sure if it was because of the different climate but I’m pretty sure Luna helped a lot.
Got the quote and the style of writing about him from @notlangleav. Although I feel that it’s not really healthy of her to keep writing and recollecting about past love, I wound up doing the same thing; just a lower standard of English and not as detailed as I would like. Anyway, I love the way she writes and it’s nice to read things that I am unable to express, given my limited vocabulary.
For @afterglo-s, update please. I miss your writing very much.
I hope that when people read my posts, they think, “Oh, so this is what Denise is going through.” instead of “Denise needs help.”. I’m sure we have been in the position of a friend of a heartbroken individual and just throwing out advices because we know what is better for them, only to have them go back into the same ways and hurting themselves all over again. Then we lament, “They are not going to listen anyway.”. Trust me, I get annoyed too.
For someone who follows her heart, all advices from rational brains are ignored when I am sad. Not because they suck, it’s because it’s something I don’t want to do. It’s not that hard to understand, really.
Went to have a drink with a friend and both of us sobbed our eyes out at how horrible loving someone is. We cried for ourselves and for each other. All I needed was support and not for people to tell me I’m stupid to think a certain way.
This other friend, which I have to mention, was even more amazing. She helped me to find the things I needed even though she knows I’m going to end up hurting myself.
I need to sleep
Those were one of the last words we said to each other. Truthfully, I wasn’t expecting an “I love you too.” back because of what we are at the moment. We are nothing, actually. Friends? No. A couple? Definitely not. But he said it still and I’ll keep that as the last present.
I wanted to write a letter and mail it because that long essay of a text message wasn’t complete of all the things I wanted to say. I want to say thank you. I want to bring up all the good memories we had and relive them once more. I thought a letter would be perfect because we started with a handwritten letter. I told him I wanted him to write me a letter when we were dating and he did. We wrote each other many letters over the years. I love the way he writes. I love his handwriting. I love the way he draws his emoticons. I thought of going through all the letters he wrote to me but it’s the same as ripping a fresh wound further. I know it will be a bittersweet feeling, looking at those words that I can’t receive anymore. It feels like a step towards healing but it’s going to be such a painful step to take. I’m never the kind to rush to heal an ulcer with salt. I wait and take less painful ways like drinking more water. The ulcer stayed longer but it heals, nevertheless.
I wrote a few things in the text message and I ended it with a ‘Goodbye’. I knew that once I sent that, I would hurt so much from the pain after because it means we wouldn’t talk for a very long time. I couldn’t press it but I got myself to do it anyway because we were just dragging this thing we have that is not sustainable. The end was so clear but none of us wanted to walk towards it. If neither of us let go, we won’t go any where. I didn’t want to end things by ignoring his messages either because that isn’t fair to him. I just wanted to say that typing it brought me so much hurt that I don’t know if I can write a letter properly. I’ll probably cry buckets; typing that message had me drowning.
Sending the letter would rip him apart too. I don’t know what to do. I’ll decide tomorrow.
He asked why I said goodbye. I couldn’t reply that. I’d cry again.
For someone who is always heart over mind, it kills me that I can’t let my heart do what it wants. I need to save myself but both ways kill. So I decided to find a way that kills only one person. I can’t love blindly and ferociously just because I want to and not care how it affects him. I can’t love knowing that there isn’t a clear end. I can’t love knowing it’s for naught.
I don’t want to think of maybes anymore. They are disguised false hopes. Sometimes there isn’t a light at the end of a tunnel. Sometimes, the tunnel doesn’t end and it’s pitch black. Hope keeps you walking through but hope wears out as you learned you aren’t getting out of that tunnel. Hope increases devastation. As much as hope saves, hope brings a worse death.
Our Hong Kong trip is finally here! I am so freakin’ excited! It’s currently always pouring in HK but wow, anything to get away from this horrible heat and humidity. Bringing out all the knitted wear and jackets that I’d melt in if I wear them in Singapore. I feel like, I have brought too many outwears for this 7 day trip, though.
My nose is killing me right now.
I lost all motivation to write because of my stuffy nose, my goodness. I’m perspiring just by sitting down. What I would do the weather here if I can actually do something about it.
Going to start our #hariandhyejin relationship soon! Happy 14th year.