Fate

Everything is perfect. It's how you make it out to be.

彩虹

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I’m not going to publicize this post because it is going to find it’s way to people’s browsers by mouth. Who knew we would end up like this. None could believe it.

Hello.

The last few photos of us. We broke up around 8pm last night. I’m okay. I accepted the reasons. When we first talked about it on Thursday, I swear I was just crying here and there and everywhere. Serena had to bring me to her house to let me cry. Joanne came into the room with ice-cream for me. I cried from 6 to 10. It was so bad that I had to go through all these again. Of course, I didn’t think about losing my life and threaten him to come back. Every time when someone asks me what will happen if the both of us break up, I’d say, “I’ll be so sad but I know I’ll live and get my life back together.”. I think his was, “I’ll hit rock bottom but I’ll manage it.”.

Yuanyi got the call next because she went through similar things.

Then I slowly started to get help from a few people because I couldn’t handle the pain. I thought of sleeping over at Yuanyi’s so I don’t have to hide the tears in the house.

I went to work the next day with sunglasses on because every time I think about it, I just cry.

You all need to stop saying that it is because he wants to go back to being christian and he cannot date a non-christian girl, okay. I probably didn’t explain it properly but omg, breaking up because of religion is so dumb.

  1. Okay, he needs to find God and with me in his life, it’s distracting because of the feelings he has for me
  2. He can’t picture himself with anyone anymore because he isn’t suited for a relationship

So number 1 was, of course I didn’t understand it so I called Joseph up and he got it immediately so he is going to explain it to me later. 3 days later I understood what it means already, though. I got angry at churches, christianity, his church friend.

I said something to Serena like, “What the hell is your God teaching you?” But I said sorry after and before that line. Thank you for taking it so calmly, Serena, I love you.

2 was the reason I kept crying. Did I do something wrong? I was such a sucky girl friend that I pushed him to not want a relationship anymore. He doesn’t love me and all the rest.

Minjia and Waiyee had to be with me on Day 2. I made them go to Kbox with me because that was the only place I could cry. Their company is the best because I have one that is super sassy but soft at the same time so I could just let everything go. The other one just makes me laugh so hard and that’s what I wanted. You two are the best.

Mireille had to take over my teaching appointment in the afternoon because I was crying so badly and every time I use my phone I’d just burst into tears. Thank you, Mireille.

Vivian had to help me see things from Javis’ view because she is the 2nd Javis.

Day 3 I dragged the day. I wanted to drag 2 months more. NOT to change his mind because he is dead set on breaking up with me. He agreed but after going out with this new friend, he said no. He told me it’s the last day. So I cried all over again. Nicholas had to handle me in the morning because I started cried from 7 to 10, then he passed me off to Waiyee (okay, they think is a relay. Kidding, thank you two, hee hee). Zhenliang told me to stop dreaming and shit like that. Amanda Yin had to handle me too because she talked to me when I was full blown crying. 10 people told me to stop pleading him anymore and just wake up and move on. I kept saying no.

Only Kangling understood and actually felt that my way of thinking is right. She understood why dragging it on is okay. She understood my thinking when everyone was just asking me to snap out of it. It’s just one person but I didn’t feel so stupid after that. She also added that if I were to drag on two months more, Javis is going to have to handle the break up all on his own in a new environment when I have so many people in Singapore and it’s selfish. So that’s when I started convincing myself to give it up but I couldn’t.

I stopped trying to get him back when Javis started crying. He cried so badly that I know he didn’t want to do this too. This is so so so hard for him but he is doing it because he has to. If it was hard for me, it’s definitely way harder for him because he made the decision to leave me when he loves me so much. That’s when I decided to let him go. I was making it so hard to leave me when it’s already hard enough.I stopped crying because I finally understood. I understood everything.

We went for our last date in Ang Mo Kio hub. It was so nice because it was like all of these didn’t happen. We went to eat, we walked around in the supermarket because that’s one of our favourite things to do. It wasn’t sad at all because we wanted to make it a happy one. It ended when I got onto the MRT.

I texted his mom to thank her for all her family has done for me. She was so sad too because she likes her sons to have girlfriends and she takes the break ups quite badly, haha. She felt like a friend then.

My mom asked when didn’t Javis send anything to her, LOL. So he sent her one.

Raj was with me until 2am telling me harsh truths and making me laugh.

I got home and Javis said my mom sent him a long text. OKAY I ALMOST CRIED because she said she hopes to see him again and that our family really loved him and will miss him. She told him she understood why he had to find God and leave me. It was shocking because my father is more religious one so I thought my father would understand it more but he just said crap, haha. And Javis sent back that he will miss coming to see my popo all the way down to my youngest cousin.

Mandy is giving up her house to me.

Glenn took time off from Korea to made sure I was alright because he kept spamming me.

Winston plans to sneak out of camp for me.

Vincent Kang and my sister thought it was a joke.

Joseph called me at least 10 times because I didn’t pick up.

Joseph who stays at Simei and Amanda who stays at Choa chu kang aare coming down to super remote Mount Faber safra to sing with me.

I cope with pain by constantly talking about it until it doesn’t hurt to explain anymore. That’s my coping mechanism for almost everything.

My mom is making me so sad right now. I woke up at 7.30 and she woke up with me which is shocking because she doesn’t wake up until 10am on the weekends. She told me she couldn’t sleep because she is so sad about our break up. She is so so sad that we are not together anymore.

Speaking about my popo, I told her we broke up and the first thing she said was, “Why didn’t you listen to him?”, “Why did you fight with him?” LOL, isn’t she such a cutie. Every time if Javis doesn’t turn up, she will say, “Why isn’t he here. Popo doesn’t scold him. I like him so he has to come all the time. Tell him popo likes him so he doesn’t have to be scared to come.” Ninghuan would always help me to massage his back for him which was useless ‘cos an 8 year old arm is like a feather.

I actually planned for the next few days to either be in KTVs and sleeping in friends’ houses because I don’t want to cry alone on Day 1 and Day 2. I was fully prepared but now I feel that it is not needed because I’m alright now. The fact that we still love each other is making me live properly and not moping everywhere.

Because I made my relationship so public since Day 1, I had always been ready to be public about the break up because it is only fair. Thank you for all the support you have given us. Thank you to the fan club presidents, Janelle and Clarissa, so I felt that they had to be told too. Thank you to Huiqi for making this super awesome scrapbook about our love because we were her ideal couple. Thank you to those who told me they based their relationship on mine because that’s a freaking high honor. Thank you for thinking we are perfect. I’m not going to say things like, “We weren’t, we have ups and downs.” We were perfect to me because of our ups and downs and it will stay perfect in my mind.

We are still talking and we will let it go gradually because a clean cut is just disorienting. I asked my two exes to talk to me a bit post break up so I can slowly get used to the change but they said no.

This is why Javis is so special. We will be the best thing that has ever happened to each other. I’m waiting for the day he realizes he is okay with being in a relationship and comes back to me. It could be next week. It could be 10 years. If he doesn’t, I’ll just see where life takes the both of us :)

Show some love to Javis too. He is hurting so so much, he needs some care too.

I’m okay, don’t worry. We heal. We all do.

Written by Denise

June 28, 2015 at 9:29 am

Posted in Love, Uncategorized

Microwaved onions

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I am here to share my favourite snack! I know this shouldn’t even count as a recipe but I really want to make it seem like one so I’m gonna do it! It’s idiot-proof.

First you will need:

1-2 onions
A few squirts of olive oil
1/2 tsp of salt

A microwavable cup/bowl
Fork/spoon

I am using olive oil because I have it in a little spray bottle and I feel that it is easier to control the amount that goes into the onions.

First, you spray some oil into the bowl or cup. I usually use a cup but I wanted a bigger serving this time. Second, you slice up some onions into those rainbow shapes then you place them in the bowl. Use a fork or spoon to mix it up so the onions get coated in the oil. For the third step, you just use an appropriate amount of salt, I usually use about 1/2 a tsp but well, it depends on how much onions you are intending to eat. Then you mix it all up really well. Lastly, you throw it in the microwave and depending on whether you want it crispier or soggier, you can put it in for any time from 1 minute to 2 minutes. I usually put 1.5 minutes because I like it soggy. I did it for 2 minutes this time because it’s a larger bowl.

Yep, no need to bust out the frying pan and spatula just to stir fry some onions when you can just do it with the microwave and in a cup. You cut down on things to wash as well.

I eat this when I am hungry but it’s not the time for a huge meal and onions are my life. I swear, it’s the bomb.com

Written by Denise

June 25, 2015 at 2:41 pm

Posted in Recipes

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My new bottle/cup shall be called Fuser

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Photo on 23-6-15 at 3.52 pm #3

Photo on 23-6-15 at 3.53 pm

Photo on 23-6-15 at 3.52 pm #2

Sneak peek of what you will see this upcoming 7th month festival.

Hanging out with my fav fruit infuser cup with a straw. I love straws. I love blue. I love bottles with vacuum because my water stays cold for a longer time. I wanted an infuser bottle for a really long time because I love flavoured water. The bottles from Blogilates are charged at a crazy 16USD. It’s lemon water day today.

I got Fuser from Walmart Canada at just 5CAD.

I tried Blogilates’ 1000 abs challenge and I died at 500.

I’m a proud 44kg now because Samantha fed me really well for the past one month. Mostly home cooked food because that’s what I love and there aren’t many places in Canada that are worth the money and the 10% tip. 10CAD per meal is considered cheap. I swear I have a separate stomach for home cooked food because I don’t have it 80% of my lifetime. I eat double the portion of take out food. Thanks to her, I get to eat 3 meals a day which I never have on a daily basis because 1) It’s always sleep > breakfast 2) There is no food in the house.

Just 1kg away from donating blood. This has been a 4 year long goal.

Written by Denise

June 23, 2015 at 7:16 pm

The Sunday Currently Vol. 6

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One at Pacific Centre’s H&M. I LOVE THEIR MIRRORS. You can see your back. Is it just me but I haven’t any of those yet or maybe I don’t try on clothes enough. The other was en route to Seattle.

R e a d i n g
The First Phone Call From Heaven. I’m attempting to finish it soon! I didn’t bring it to Canada ‘cos it is an extra load, not my book and it will probably end up like seaweed so I didn’t take the risk.

L i s t e n i n g
It’s torn between EXO’s Love Me Right and BTS’ For You. One is more fast paced but still equally addictive.

T h i n k i n g
There are two kinds of negative people in the world. Negativity towards you (insulting, putting you down, discouraging) and negativity towards themselves. Both will affect you.

W i s h i n g
That I am not suffering from jet lag. It’s been 3 days that yesterday, I woke up at 5am, and wanted to die around 4pm. I get hungry and lose my appetite in weird timings that it’s just horrible. I think it’s getting better, though.

H o p i n g
That I will be eating a lot at the Father’s Day buffet later at Orchard Café!

W e a r i n g
Freshmen Orientation Week facilitators t shirt and fbts. OMG IT’S THE SAME AS VOL. 5.

L o v i n g
Roots by Lush! It’s a superb hair treatment! Going to be using it later ‘cos I have day 3 hair. You can’t have day 3 hair in SG it’s just gross.

W a n t i n g
Another stay in Canada, hahaha! Or the US. Just North America.

N e e d i n g
Vancouver’s air con weather.

F e e l i n g
Weird that I cannot enjoy subpar food right now. Sam destroyed by tastebuds ‘cos she made sure the restaurants we went to serves super good food (she has tested a lot). Plus, for the past month I have been having a lot of home cooked food. I have this biased for them ‘cos I don’t get to eat it very often. I can eat two portions of home cooked food while hawker, coffeeshop food I get sick of them really easily. I had roasted pork rice yesterday and had prawn noodles today. I couldn’t finish both. I don’t mean hawker food I sub par but I didn’t go all out to get the best roasted pork or the best prawn noodles. I used to have no standards (LOL) or I am just missing the food that Sam makes.

C l i c k i n g
Lush’s website ‘cos I got my sister a Lush product: Curly Wurly. It’s kind of hard to use with all the coconut chunks in it.

Written by Denise

June 21, 2015 at 2:42 pm

I’m home

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I am feeling so so jet lagged. I keep thinking I’m still 15 hours behind; that I’m supposed to be having lunch and dinner during the time I am supposed to be asleep. I wanted to prevent jet lag from happening by not sleeping on my 19 hour flights but I couldn’t.

I totally died on the plane from Tokyo to Singapore. I couldn’t watch anything because both were Japan Airlines and so the movies were the same. Vancouver to Tokyo was 10 hours, so of course I watched everything I could’ve on that flight. I even lost my appetite for plane food ‘cos it was like 2-3am in Vancouver so my body wasn’t in the state to eat. I was so famished before the second flight but dinner went past in a few hours and my body just wanted to die. Everything tasted bad to me.

I couldn’t fall asleep last night so I spent my time reading Untouchable. It’s a vampire romance manhwa and the art is so gorgeous. I love really good anime art. It’s what makes me read a manga/manhwa. Superficial, I know. Well, I didn’t know it wasn’t completed and it’s relatively new. Now I am having withdrawal symptoms. I have to wait for a chapter to come out every week. A chapter that I take 2 minutes to read. Is this how Bleach/Naruto/One Piece fans feel. I cannot do this. I’m considering if I should read Noblesse which Glenn recommended like 3-4 years ago LOL. IT’S 300 CHAPTERS. So I am hooked onto Untouchable because the korean drama of Orange Marmalade is just so sucky. They screwed up the entire story plot. Please, if you can’t follow the entire story line which is what 80% of us loved the manhwa for, please, for God’s sake don’t come out with it.

I was so hungry as well because it’s was lunch time about 3am (Singapore time) and I just started to scavenge for food but if you know my household, there isn’t anything to eat and I can’t use the kitchen because I will get killed.

I had my first exposure to Singapore’s humidity in a month and it reminds me how much I wanted to escape from the weather and I did but now I have to be back.

I’m trying to convince my parents to retire in Canada. FREE HEALTH CARE, why not?

I texted Sam until 5am too because she is the only one up at that timing. And after spending time with her for the past 1 month, I can’t just go on with my life without speaking to her for too long, hahaha!

Written by Denise

June 19, 2015 at 1:31 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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2 more days

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I’m so sad that I have to leave soon. A sad photo would be more appropriate but I am not going to use my face as an emoticon so you shouldn’t expect that too, haha.

I AM SO SAD. Sam and her father has been nothing but lovely to live with. They didn’t charge me rent, I just had to pay for my food but they paid for my portion for every day groceries.

OMG I AM GOING TO CRY. Sam is on her way to work right now and uncle is driving her there.

TEARS ARE GOING TO FALL.

They drove me around to where ever I want to go or places they want to show me. Sam who hates going out, kept accompanying me on trips and just waiting around for me to finish my shopping.

They cook me the best food.

I’m going to miss midnight talks with Sam. Isn’t that the best? I usually only had 1 night sleepovers, but I had a giant sleepover for a month.

THERE IS A WATERFALL GOING ON RIGHT NOW.

I am unable to continue. I’ll be back soon.

Written by Denise

June 15, 2015 at 10:18 am

Posted in Thoughts, Uncategorized

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It’s a Tuesday

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I have been having really bad nightmares the past few days and I have no idea why. The dreams are really similar to one another. It kept revolving the plot of me going back to Singapore for an emergency and then realizing I have no way to get back to Canada to finish my 2 more weeks of stay.

I think it’s the realization that I am going to be working as soon as I get back. I won’t just be sitting down or lying down, playing Neko Atsume, watching tons of Running Man just to waste away my time. I’m leaning towards accepting this full time job that has been offered to me (life luck at its peak) because I can earn more money, it’s extremely flexible (no limit to when I can take off) and I’m allowed to leave depending on when my honors year is starting. Plus, I’ll be working from home and it’s artsy! What’s holding me back is probably the commitment.

Speaking about honors, it’s giving me a headache. I don’t know where I want to go and how I should go about doing it. I am just going to dump it in the back of my mind first.

I’m feeling stressed about what I am going to bring back from Canada to my friends. I remember Vivian saying she hates to go overseas ‘cos you have to spend time knowing what to get for everyone. I should learn from that and just stay where I am.

Woooo, I just made a list on what to get my friends! Canada is not a place to get souvenirs, people.

Written by Denise

June 3, 2015 at 2:38 am

Posted in Thoughts

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