Talk about #8

Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

The first thought was that I am super proud of myself. Throughout childhood, I had horrible horrible social phobia that I hated new places and people. Chinese New Year was a dread because I had to see relatives I only see once a year. I would refuse to step into my grandma’s house and make a huge fuss. I didn’t like walking in and have so many people look at you and say hi to you. I don’t think I knew what judging was then but I just hated the feeling of stepping in a room of people.

I have this memory in kindergarten. The teacher wrote on the whiteboard a sentence. My thinking was that because she can fit that sentence onto a whiteboard, I have to fit it on my book too. It didn’t fit so I erased it. The teacher saw me do that and said out loud I could have just continued in the next line. So much attention was brought to me that I cried so badly.

Start of primary school was horrible. I’ll cry and lie I’ll have stomach ache to escape because it’s a new class means new people every year. Of course, my mom is not the kind to buy that. I didn’t like talking because I don’t want people to pay attention to me. I escaped primary 5 camp because I didn’t want to be weird for not having a sleeping bag. I surrounded myself with the most popular girls because I just wanted to hide in their shadow. Plus, they are super nice and accepting that’s why they are popular. Girls like Yuanyi, school prefect, had 5000 guys chasing her, smart. Kaiyan, super smart and I always admired her Chinese. Yuting, she always got the guy she wants and she is sporty. She always let her feelings show and I have admired her. Huisee, she transferred to our school for one year, trashed everybody’s marks and caught everybody’s attention. Chewhuan was sporty, sociable, pretty much friends with the entire school.

I got a bit better in secondary school. I joined dance because I felt it was the easiest thing to do at that time I had 0 passion for dance. I had to dance infront of people, I didn’t have a choice. I felt okay being called upon to answer because my grades were good. As long as I don’t make a fool of myself.

One person who got me to start talking is probably Zhenliang. No matter how quiet I was, he would just disturb and then he would laugh at the reactions even when it was nothing to me. So that was a little lit up match stick when I was 13.

Came poly and things took such a big turn. I broke up and felt that I have to be so much better than I ever was. I realized I can make people laugh. Kangling is one of the first few friends I made in poly and oh my gosh, she kept laughing with me that she made me believe that I can make people happy instead of just keeping people quiet and let others do the work. I lived by “Never try, never fail.” I heard that line in a robot movie and that summed up my life up to poly. I told Kangling many times that she made me who I am today because if she didn’t give me that confidence from the start, I think I would only have 5 friends now. Mandy laughed with me too and she is probably the first person who said I am funny to my face. So, thankful.

I became crazy about camps. I joined every camp that I could. Siewhuey changed my life too. She made me feel I could lead. TCP camp created a spark but Siewhuey added oil to it. That led to me being a group leader at more camps. Getting to know so much more people.

I am still not fully comfortable during presentations. I still have stage fright. I still feel it’s good to have at least a friend during classes. But I can do small talk. I can meet new people. I can enter houses. I just need a enough attention that people notice my presence but I still don’t like to be in the limelight.

I’m proud that I have came this far. Not on my own but I came far. My parents say I talk and voice out my opinions too much now. Yep, I’m super proud of the person I became. I don’t feel that my thoughts are redundant and I have no say in something. It’s a bit too early to be proud of oneself, I guess, haha.

Goodnight.

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