Those were one of the last words we said to each other. Truthfully, I wasn’t expecting an “I love you too.” back because of what we are at the moment. We are nothing, actually. Friends? No. A couple? Definitely not. But he said it still and I’ll keep that as the last present.
I wanted to write a letter and mail it because that long essay of a text message wasn’t complete of all the things I wanted to say. I want to say thank you. I want to bring up all the good memories we had and relive them once more. I thought a letter would be perfect because we started with a handwritten letter. I told him I wanted him to write me a letter when we were dating and he did. We wrote each other many letters over the years. I love the way he writes. I love his handwriting. I love the way he draws his emoticons. I thought of going through all the letters he wrote to me but it’s the same as ripping a fresh wound further. I know it will be a bittersweet feeling, looking at those words that I can’t receive anymore. It feels like a step towards healing but it’s going to be such a painful step to take. I’m never the kind to rush to heal an ulcer with salt. I wait and take less painful ways like drinking more water. The ulcer stayed longer but it heals, nevertheless.
I wrote a few things in the text message and I ended it with a ‘Goodbye’. I knew that once I sent that, I would hurt so much from the pain after because it means we wouldn’t talk for a very long time. I couldn’t press it but I got myself to do it anyway because we were just dragging this thing we have that is not sustainable. The end was so clear but none of us wanted to walk towards it. If neither of us let go, we won’t go any where. I didn’t want to end things by ignoring his messages either because that isn’t fair to him. I just wanted to say that typing it brought me so much hurt that I don’t know if I can write a letter properly. I’ll probably cry buckets; typing that message had me drowning.
Sending the letter would rip him apart too. I don’t know what to do. I’ll decide tomorrow.
He asked why I said goodbye. I couldn’t reply that. I’d cry again.
For someone who is always heart over mind, it kills me that I can’t let my heart do what it wants. I need to save myself but both ways kill. So I decided to find a way that kills only one person. I can’t love blindly and ferociously just because I want to and not care how it affects him. I can’t love knowing that there isn’t a clear end. I can’t love knowing it’s for naught.
I don’t want to think of maybes anymore. They are disguised false hopes. Sometimes there isn’t a light at the end of a tunnel. Sometimes, the tunnel doesn’t end and it’s pitch black. Hope keeps you walking through but hope wears out as you learned you aren’t getting out of that tunnel. Hope increases devastation. As much as hope saves, hope brings a worse death.